THE DAWN

When i was laying in my bed this morning (early afternoon) i felt like a whale just flooded onto a strange shore. Maybe this feeling was slightly inluenced by the dream i had this night which actually dealt with a lot of spiders.
Spiders in my room to be exact. They very about a thumb's size, not actually very big but crawled around like crazy so that every piece of the floor was covered by their bodies. i assume that one can put this SPIDERS IN MY ROOM dream to the categories of nightmares. It's crazy how our brain is able to fool us. One more time during this dream when I was trying to reassure myself that this was indeed nothing else but a dream I could barely recognize some spiders sneaking slightly about my head.
Or was this not a dream?
In addition to the aftermath wake of dreams I'm often struck by a time paranoia when I'm alone and don't have a date that forces me to get out of bed. Thus I'm just lying there, the bright light of morning shining through my window,
reflecting on what time it may be. Mostly I'm sure that it must be horribly late. Probably after 12 a.m. . So what I do to leave that embarassment of standing up in what is supposedly the afternoon behind is that i don't move and just keep lying there.
I don't know what I'm waiting for then. It would probably be a good idea to just take a little peek at my watch to see that it is not even 11 o' clock. The reslut is that I'm spending about 50 minutes in my bed with
nothing left but paranoid regret. Regret, that I'm still laying in bed.
Regret that I ate a whole load of chocolate yesterday.
Regret, that I don't want to go to the gymnastics training that takes place this evening. ("I can do some situps and stuff right here at home", "I still have to edit the whole camp movie, and there's a lot of work ahead of me")What rescued me this morning was a wonderfullly delight- and meaningful mischmasch of music.

Here's the playlist that rescued me:

#1 DAYDREAM BELIEVER (Mary Beth Maziarz for DAWSON's CREEK)
#2 ANGELS IN AMERICA MAIN TITLE ( Thomas Newman)
#3 FAIREST OF THE SEASONS (Nico - THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS)
#4 MAGNOLIA MAIN TITLE (Jon Brion -MAGNOLIA)
#5 DEEPER THAN LOVE (Antony and the Johnsons)
#6 SPOTLESS MIND (Jon Brion -ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF A SPOTLESS MIND)
#7 BIENNALE (Antony and the Johnsons)
#8 BOY (Antony and the Johnsons)
#9 STAND ABOVE ME (Antony and the Johnsons)
#10 FIELDS OF GOLD (Eva Cassidy for DAWSON's CREEK)
#11 STEPMOM (unknown track) (John Williams)
#12 A.I (unknown track..8?). (John Williams)
#13 A.I.(unknown track...9?) (John Williams)
#14 OLD MAN (Neil Young live)
#15 WALTZING MATHILDA (Tom Waitz)
#16 AMERICA (Ennio Morricone)
#17 ETERNITY (Ennio Morricone)
#18 POCAHONTAS (Neil Young)

I think now that it is important -at whatever it is that i DO these days- to maintain confidence.
I shouldn't walk around in heavy boots because i think that everything i do is wrong.

A german director presented a documentary that is entitled DIE GROßE STILLE at the venice filmfestival. In this movie he portrays the life in a Karthäuser Kloster in France. The monks are living in silence most of the time. The director, when asked what he had learned there, said: "I left with the realization that there's nothing that can really turn bad or that IS WRONG. I gained confidence"